the GAME

I was standing in the queue for security at the Edmonton airport. I was pre-occupied with my thoughts but peripherally, was tuning in to the tone and mood of the couple behind me. I didn't catch the words but I knew something was not right. My mind preferred to move away from my thoughts (much to my indignation) and pay attention to their communication instead. While I still didn't catch the words, the male/man definitely was using a certain authoritarian tone and was "telling" the female/woman about what she had done wrong. Even at this point, I refused to fully devote my listening skills and was caught between two worlds.. It then struck me that the lady had not said anything at all and so just to be sure that I am not imagining things I casually looked back and scanned her face amongst others- she was smiling. Immediately I shook my head at myself and my mind wandered away.. A minute later the man began his rant again and on and on he went. AND Then it happened- she SNAPPED. But did so in a jocular manner. He didn't let go- he sounded like he had succeeded in provoking a response the confidence (arrogance) in his tone only got stronger. Her jocular tone dissipated after a minute or so and They matched their tones for a bit. AND then she changed her tone. Yet again. This time she sounded resigned, upset and yet managed to communicate gentle reprimands about how he was going on and on. He seemed to think he had the birth right to have the last word and she was operating on the principle of "DIffuse this ASAP". He did not relent until she completely gave in and sounded apologetic. Due to my own past experience, I knew the role she was playing- the game if you will. A survival game irrespective of what she "really" thought about the matter. I could tell she had done this a million times and had graduated to another level- a level we can call "REUSE and THRIVE". At a clever speed, she had satisfied him that he was "right" and had found a distraction in the crowd that they could focus on. You are probably thinking they saw a baby or something funny like a poodle in a carry-on-bag.. Nah. There is a reason I used the word "reuse". With her CLEVER SPEED, she had found something in the crowd that she knew HE would have a disparaging attitude towards.. and then she joined him on snickering and talking down about that person. It happened to be an acquaintance and they spent a few minutes pointing out little details they found funny. They united on this front- and for a few minutes she pretended to be on the same power trip as him and played his game ON HIS SIDE. After a little while they talked of other things. By the end, just before the security line bifurcated and I moved out of hear shot, she had gained a whole lot of confidence and they almost seemed like an easy going, amicable couple..

NO, I am not reading into things. I think I can say with certain certainty that this was a very well developed abuse cycle and the only one who had changed over the course of the cycle was her. The efficiency with which she went through a cycle that could last hours in just a few minutes said a lot. it said a lot of sad sad things..

Did I say that a film of tears glossed my eyes as I played the role of the bystander? I did not realize it until I had moved away and a drop wet my palm.. my body was reacting vicariously even though my strong mind was busy understanding what was happening.. hmm...

There is a chance that I may have completely read them wrong.. if nothing else, it provoked me to write about my story. It reminded me of how efficient I used to be at the game. I only got better at the game until I left that relationship.. and then naivety struck, maybe to compensate for being so good at that unwarranted and cruel game. I like my sliver of naivety- it has revitalized me and has helped me regain my innocence while also conveniently providing me with "insight" when needed.

Ya.. so what does this queer have to say about a new year resolution..? I RESOLVE to not forget where I came from and i hope that the memory will not stop me from going where I want. I will need to remember this as this new year will be a year of construction.