home as an entity

last few days in bangalore.. my soul embodied by love and sadness.. I am fine but i am sad and homesick and just filled with love... as always chaos... A reality. Cannot wait to go back home, my pappa's forlorn eyes, my mummy's brave smile... the deep loving eyes of all my friends and family at the airport to see me off.. hmm i am so lucky to know that I am loved..

first few hours in Ottawa...anticlimax.. so what am i doing in Canada? I am not sure exactly but thats ok.. I will figure it out. For now I just stay with it. stay with my thoughts and feelings.. the smiles the friendliness.. the non-judgemental me taking in..but judging the ease of the smile.. see a couple walk by and the comfort of the relationship... comfort, what is it.. a sense or a perception...

juxtaposition.. i am a juxtaposed with myself. staying with myself.. and as i told my friend this morning, all I have to my name is my name.. an identity i choose at this point in time and space. Memories seem dislocated in time, and people persist with time. This moment, this precise moment as i write this blog, is with me.. and i feel every letter as I type it, the hard-softness of the keys in the keyboard, the heater that is keeping me warm, the carpetted floors, the smell of a relatively newer country... Discrete particles... driftwood.... dynamic skies........ I am me and despite the sinking feeling in my tummy, I have me......